Robin Dini

I’m working through some stuff right now.  Metaphorical S-T-U-F-F.  The crap that has been lingering and you can’t quite figure out what stays and what goes.  Stuff that’s been around a while and comes with you every time you move on because you can’t quite seem to shake it.  You know, that stuff that has a meaning from the past or you picked up along the way and you like it and all and you think….”well, it might have a place in my future”…but it keeps getting put back in a box and shoved to the back of your closet.  Chances are that it might never really see the light of day again until you relocate or stumble across it while you’re looking for something.  “Oh yeah, there it is again.  Why am I holding onto this?”

Yes, it’s time to purge!  I’m talking physical and emotional.  I’m getting rid of the things that are taking up space to make way for something new and positive. You see, right now my “stuff” is emotional baggage.  Some stupid character flaws that I’m finally fed up with and want to purge but am struggling with how exactly to do that.  Habits are hard to break and if you think about character flaws, they are the ultimate habit.  They are things that you may have picked up through experiences or relationships that have shaped how you think, perceive, and behave today.  These habits are especially hard to break if you picked up a few of these gems when you were a child or a teenager, because they are pretty hard-core ingrained into who you are now.   An advisor once told me, “Don’t beat yourself up over changing these behaviors overnight because it took you almost a lifetime to form them.  It’s going to take a while to break them”.

I’m writing this because I’m reaching out to anyone who might feel the same way because this is tough stuff.  My eyes have been opened…wide.  I have a new perspective since going through my challenges in 2011.  I have taken the time to heal and now it’s time to find my purpose and fix some stuff that doesn’t reflect who I want to be moving forward.  I embodied some crazy positivity and karma during those difficult months and it made me appreciate life and how precious it truly is.  Cliché sounding yes, but it’s true.  I was taking things for granted and I was not living healthy.  I was stressing over the littlest things, not eating well, being anal retentive about routines and control in my house, and I wasn’t allowing myself any time to breath, rest, or just be.  When you’re running on overdrive and you hit a wall, it forces you to stop breathing, realize what is really important, and take notice of how life is going to change from here on out.  The power I felt to fight cancer and heal from my surgeries was like nothing I ever experienced.  I had a determination and fight in me that was powerful and peaceful all at the same time.  I felt that tenacity during childbirth but this was different on a whole other level.  This wasn’t just 36 hours of labor.  This was hours, days, weeks, and months of physical and emotional fighting, healing, motivation, and survival.

Now, I want to change.  I want to find that fight and power again because I want to change things in my life that are long overdue for an overhaul and have no place anymore.  I read an amazing book by Bethenny Frankel, “A Place of Yes”.  In her book she is no-nonsense and tells it like it is.  She talks of finding your truth, acting on it, and owning it.  If you do it, say it, think it—then own it.  A huge lesson I learned from her book was this, “Take responsibility for who you are, what you do, what you stand for.  It’s about being truthful, not just to other people but also to you.  It’s about seeing the reality of a situation, accepting it, and working with it.”

Here’s my candid honesty for one thing I really want to work on.  I straight up hate jealousy.  Envy, covet, whatever you want to call it.  I’m calling an abolishment on jealousy on all fronts in my life.  I hate feeling it and I hate hearing about it.  It can be a destructive and sneaky thing…Mr. Jealousy.  To want something someone else has, to wish you had the opportunities others have.  Oh yes, the grass always appears to be greener on the other side.  I am working on taking ownership of circumstances from choices in my past both big and small but man…this is hard to do!  There are days where it drags me down and there are days where Mr. Jealousy and I are chillin’ on the couch together thinking, “I wish I had that, did that, was doing that, or knew how to do that”.  Not constructive.  Feels awful.  But like Bethenny writes, I need to see the reality of my past, accept it, and work with it.   I’m trying to take that “jealousy noise” and hear it, acknowledge it, and turn it into motivation.

Sharing this truthfully is my way of owning it so I can change it.